Honesty

I remember when I wrote my first article for the local newspaper. I remember the feeling of joy and accomplishment I had when it made the front page. I remember the remarks from my family and the excitement in my parents as they watched their "rising star" child make her first real mark on the world. I fed off of that positive energy and I yearned for more, but somewhere in there I had this nagging feeling in my gut that finding the "news" just wasn't for me. So what kept me going? I knew writing was what I loved and I knew it was somehow in the cards for me so I figured there was no reason to change my mind about my major or stop when I knew I could produce quality stories that would make me feel accomplished and make those around me proud. I had started down a road I didn't know how to ignore so I didn't stop in hopes that I would eventually find a lane on that road that suited me.

I tried a couple of lanes. I sat in on a public relations meeting at my father's company and quickly decided I wasn't going to bull shit my way through the world for extra money. I spent a semester interning at a city magazine and learned virtually nothing except that it was socially acceptable to take two hour lunch breaks and participate in office snobbery on a regular basis.

Somewhere shortly thereafter I started hearing all of these really negative things about the future of print journalism and I sort of used that as an excuse for loosening my ties with the field. Now that I think about it though, I probably loosened my ties for my own personal reasons. There was something off there and I couldn't put my finger on it, but I'm coming closer to it than I've ever been before.

I graduated last May with my bachelor's in Mass Communications and while I'm glad that is over with, I'm also scared of facing what I'm going to do with it. I do not want to give up my relationship with the local newspaper, but I find myself uninspired to write. I find myself so afraid of continuing to write without knowing where it's going to take me and when I look at that more deeply I wonder what career path is truly in my heart. I wonder if it's the fear or if it's that I'm bull shitting myself about what I want to do.

I have been wrestling so much with myself lately in regard to all of this. I just want to piece the puzzle together and know which way to go, but I know that I have to TRULY face it all head on before I can piece it together. I feel unproductive in regard to my "career," but I feel as if I must take this time to allow myself to be competely honest with myself before I can see the right direction.

The answer is more than likely going to be very simple. It will have been there all along. It will come to me when I put my mind to rest and let energy flow through me. I realize now that dealing with the stress of finishing school amongst other endings/beginnings over the past few years has made it easy for me to ignore this aspect of my life and self, but now it is here staring me in the face and I have to deal with it. So be it universe. Let's deal with it. Let me be not afraid to open myself to all avenues and let me have the courage to believe in myself without faltering.

More on all of this later.