Honesty

I remember when I wrote my first article for the local newspaper. I remember the feeling of joy and accomplishment I had when it made the front page. I remember the remarks from my family and the excitement in my parents as they watched their "rising star" child make her first real mark on the world. I fed off of that positive energy and I yearned for more, but somewhere in there I had this nagging feeling in my gut that finding the "news" just wasn't for me. So what kept me going? I knew writing was what I loved and I knew it was somehow in the cards for me so I figured there was no reason to change my mind about my major or stop when I knew I could produce quality stories that would make me feel accomplished and make those around me proud. I had started down a road I didn't know how to ignore so I didn't stop in hopes that I would eventually find a lane on that road that suited me.

I tried a couple of lanes. I sat in on a public relations meeting at my father's company and quickly decided I wasn't going to bull shit my way through the world for extra money. I spent a semester interning at a city magazine and learned virtually nothing except that it was socially acceptable to take two hour lunch breaks and participate in office snobbery on a regular basis.

Somewhere shortly thereafter I started hearing all of these really negative things about the future of print journalism and I sort of used that as an excuse for loosening my ties with the field. Now that I think about it though, I probably loosened my ties for my own personal reasons. There was something off there and I couldn't put my finger on it, but I'm coming closer to it than I've ever been before.

I graduated last May with my bachelor's in Mass Communications and while I'm glad that is over with, I'm also scared of facing what I'm going to do with it. I do not want to give up my relationship with the local newspaper, but I find myself uninspired to write. I find myself so afraid of continuing to write without knowing where it's going to take me and when I look at that more deeply I wonder what career path is truly in my heart. I wonder if it's the fear or if it's that I'm bull shitting myself about what I want to do.

I have been wrestling so much with myself lately in regard to all of this. I just want to piece the puzzle together and know which way to go, but I know that I have to TRULY face it all head on before I can piece it together. I feel unproductive in regard to my "career," but I feel as if I must take this time to allow myself to be competely honest with myself before I can see the right direction.

The answer is more than likely going to be very simple. It will have been there all along. It will come to me when I put my mind to rest and let energy flow through me. I realize now that dealing with the stress of finishing school amongst other endings/beginnings over the past few years has made it easy for me to ignore this aspect of my life and self, but now it is here staring me in the face and I have to deal with it. So be it universe. Let's deal with it. Let me be not afraid to open myself to all avenues and let me have the courage to believe in myself without faltering.

More on all of this later.  

The Latest

I got a little distracted, but I am back on board. Before I mention anything about my uphill climb here, let me take a moment to say my heart goes out to those in Haiti. The devastation there is unbelievable. I also urge anyone reading this to make a text donation to one of the relief efforts such as the Red Cross or Wyclef Jean's YELE organization.

As far as everything else goes, I slipped up a bit this week. This is probably prime time for people to start forgetting about their new year's resolutions, and it was also time for me to regress a little. The important part is that I recognized it and got back on track. This weekend I mapped out a workout routine for myself and this morning I put in an hour of aerobics and lifted some weights. This evening I managed to finish all of my classwork and tomorrow I will attempt to get more done.

I'm still as confused as ever about my career path. I guess the reality is that I'm scared I'm not good enough to be a full time journalist, and I'm also afraid I'm not going to like it if I do get that opportunity. The traditional venue (newspaper journalism) appeals to me but only for free-lance writing. I suppose specialized versions of it such as column writing appeal to me as well, but I know I'd still have to put up with the grit work of being a general assignment reporter first. Ironically I am still applying for GA jobs so I guess I'm trying to keep it as a possibility. I feel like getting to work on my body has been a lot easier than mapping my career path, but I'm not giving up on it. I'm going to give my mind some rest for the evening and try to get myself organized (career-wise) again tomorrow morning.

My commitment for tomorrow morning is to do something to forward my relationship with the newspapers I write for and to spend some time working out one way or another.

Bonne Nuit and Bonne Chance!

Accountability

So this whole holding myself accountable thing is doing its job and showing me where I'm screwing up/needing to step it up. This week the most important thing I realized is just how fast time can slip by and how much of it can be wasted if we're not careful. I said I was going to make a list of things I need to take care of and start doing them so here it is...in no particular order.

1. Finish my story for Pasco. -I've started work on that today.
2. Get back in touch with my editors- just emailed one of them today.
3. Come up with ideas for stories that actually intrigue me- I can jot down some thoughts at work tonight.
4. Make a workout schedule and stick to it- I can also jot some ideas for that down at work tonight or at the very least do it tomorrow afternoon.
5. Pick two days of the week I will spend on job applications/research- I can decide on this right now... best days for this would be Friday for online biz and Tuesday mornings for making phone calls etc. So I should have something in my posts on Friday and Tuesday about this.
6. Getting my school work taken care of (for those that do not know I'm taking education classes at PHCC to get my teaching certificate)- I will not SET days to work on this, but I will make it a priority to split the work into two days. I will start work on some of this tomorrow/saturday.
7. Go to Zumba class again.- I can either go on Saturday morning, or write down the days the classes meet so I can figure out when I'll go.
.....
Will add more to this later since work time is approaching swiftly, but I'm definitely going to start marking up my calendar and organizing myself a little more. Will write about potential jobs/application process tomorrow evening.

thx,

moi

Stalled

So right now I feel like I haven't accomplished much of anything this past week. Yes, I've gone to the gym once and yes, I've cut back calories (until yesterday when I binged at the movies), and yes I've filled out a job application, but I haven't done nearly enough. Between the cold weather and having to work a bunch of extra hours, I kind of lost track of myself, but I also learned something: Life is going to happen no matter what, and if I don't want it to get in the way of what I'm trying to achieve, I need to plan a little better.

My goal this week is to make a plan for this week by tomorrow and stick to it. I'll fill you in on the details after I have it in writing.

Publishing...

Published authors in Spring Hill, Florida? You're kidding...or not. Today I found out about some local people who publish children's books. They have an amazing website and seem to be doing fairly well with their venture. With each step I take I run into more signs showing me realistic examples of going in this direction. I think it's time I take more chances.

http://storiesfromtherainforest.com/

Progress

Well, we are five days into 2010 and so far I've learned a few things...one is that as I've been filling out an application for a reporter position with the Tampa Tribune I've been getting the aching feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'm not cut out for that kind of job.

The idea of having that kind of job after finishing my degree brings feelings of validation, but what happens when those feelings subside after a few months of cranking out stories for the paper? So while I'm still not sure whether I want to free-lance write or work in house for a magazine, I get the feeling I'm not going to be looking at general assignment reporter jobs anymore.

On another note, in regard to getting in shape, I've started to cut back on calories and fatty/sugary foods and I'm already noticing a difference in the way I feel. Maybe it's just a mental thing, but I feel lighter and slimmer just from cutting back. Today is going to be my first day back at the gym after mainly focusing on yoga ball toning in my room for the past few weeks.

 I'm not going to push myself incredibly hard today, but I do plan on burning a nice chunk of calories. My goal right now is to make the gym more of a routine than it's been. I need to pick at least three days out of the week to work out there and a fourth day where I'll do some kind of outdoor cardio.