Saturday, April 23, 2011
"Sam"
On Thursday afternoon, my fifth period English class piled into the classroom. There was a vocabulary test and a student we'll call "Sam" was visibly upset. She came into my class asking for a candy bar (I had been selling them for a fundraiser my journalism students are doing). She offered me her dollar a few times and I told her I had sold out. Sam wasn't satisfied with this answer so she marched over to her desk, shot a nasty remark my way, and put her head down. At this point my awareness alarm was going off, and I made my way to Sam's desk to ask her what was wrong. She said she "just wanted a candy bar" and that she missed her lunch today. I knew it was something more, but I didn't want to pry. As the rest of the class concentrated on reviewing for their test, I fished through my desk for my Ghiradelli chocolate stash. I pulled two out, walked over to Sam and placed them on her desk. "How much for those?" she asked hopefully. "It's on me" I replied and left them with her. A few minutes later I made my way back to her desk and noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. I exempted Sam from the test with the understanding that she would make it up next week. When the bell rang Sam told me that she just attended her Uncle's funeral yesterday. She didn't even know why she was in school today.
Friday, March 25, 2011
My Eating Disorder
I've had a difficult relationship with my body since I was about thirteen. I remember staring in the mirror at my figure in cut off shorts wishing my thighs weren't so thick while applying bright red lipstick to my face in hopes of being attractive. At that awkward age I don't think anyone is really attractive, and if they are they're on the Disney Channel. In freshman year of high school my five foot two inch frame fit snugly into size seven jeans. I was slim, but I wasn't tiny and I wanted so badly to be tiny...That summer my best friend and I made a pact to drop the pounds. We were going to exercise every day and train ourselves to eat less. We would spend the summer taking inspiration from Delias catalogue models and weighing ourselves ritually.
We had it down to a science, and image became our fixation. By the time we returned to school we were proudly strutting around in small sizes and skirts. My personal achievement- a size three with a completely flat stomach. When tempted to get lazy I would caress my newly defined collar bone under my shirt. At home I would lay flat on my floor as I admired the definition of my hip bones and the size of my waist in my mirror. This was the year I drank two water bottles throughout the school day to keep me feeling full until returning home. At home we (best friend and I) would gorge ourselves with ramen noodles and freshly baked chocolate chip muffins followed by hours of intense cardio workouts to counter the calories. This was also the year I bought my first and last pair of size "one" jeans. I was so proud of that number I almost didn't throw the jeans out when it came time.
Bathing suit season was the main objective. We wanted to look like runway models in our suits. I, in fact, was so insecure about my body that I still wore shorts over my size small bathing suit bottom. I was out on the boat with my parents when my mother became aware of the situation. She noticed me leaning forward on front of the boat as my entire rib cage showed through the skin on my back, and when she confronted me about the situation my argument was that since I still ate food regularly and didn't barf it up I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder. Oh the all knowing teenager.
Post high school I started my short lived relationship with alcohol, and I packed on the pounds. I went from a size 5-7 to a 11-13. I was more insecure about my body than I had ever been before. People stopped referring to me as "skinny." I no longer fit into my clothes, and I hid in sweater jackets and the color black.
After a few years some of this weight started to melt off. I became more active, I was more careful about my food choices, and I was focused on finishing college in a positive mental state. My pre-occupation with my weight was beginning to dwindle, and I felt like I was in charge of my own destiny- even my destiny with my weight...
To be continued....
We had it down to a science, and image became our fixation. By the time we returned to school we were proudly strutting around in small sizes and skirts. My personal achievement- a size three with a completely flat stomach. When tempted to get lazy I would caress my newly defined collar bone under my shirt. At home I would lay flat on my floor as I admired the definition of my hip bones and the size of my waist in my mirror. This was the year I drank two water bottles throughout the school day to keep me feeling full until returning home. At home we (best friend and I) would gorge ourselves with ramen noodles and freshly baked chocolate chip muffins followed by hours of intense cardio workouts to counter the calories. This was also the year I bought my first and last pair of size "one" jeans. I was so proud of that number I almost didn't throw the jeans out when it came time.
Bathing suit season was the main objective. We wanted to look like runway models in our suits. I, in fact, was so insecure about my body that I still wore shorts over my size small bathing suit bottom. I was out on the boat with my parents when my mother became aware of the situation. She noticed me leaning forward on front of the boat as my entire rib cage showed through the skin on my back, and when she confronted me about the situation my argument was that since I still ate food regularly and didn't barf it up I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder. Oh the all knowing teenager.
Post high school I started my short lived relationship with alcohol, and I packed on the pounds. I went from a size 5-7 to a 11-13. I was more insecure about my body than I had ever been before. People stopped referring to me as "skinny." I no longer fit into my clothes, and I hid in sweater jackets and the color black.
After a few years some of this weight started to melt off. I became more active, I was more careful about my food choices, and I was focused on finishing college in a positive mental state. My pre-occupation with my weight was beginning to dwindle, and I felt like I was in charge of my own destiny- even my destiny with my weight...
To be continued....
Monday, January 24, 2011
stressball monday from hell
Sooooo....not only did a bunch of bs go down at work today, but I came home to my brand new laptop crashing on me. Wonderful. Just flipping wonderful. So now tomorrow will be devoted to spending eons on the phone with HP and trying to find a solution that hopefully doesn't involve mailing it to Timbuktu to be returned months from now. If that's the case I'm going to get infuriated and then I'm just going to roll over in my bed and say fff it.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A continuation of all things "stepping out of the matrix."
With the ways in which I've looked at food lately, I've helped not only myself, but also many of the people close to me. In the food journey, I've decided to incorporate more raw living foods into my body on a daily basis. So far, getting fruits and berries hasn't been an issue. I tend to enjoy those raw foods the most, and I've made several smoothies for breakfast/lunch with them. This tends to give me plenty of energy in the morning so I've decided to continue with it. My biggest challenge has been getting more greens into my diet. I tend to make fruit salads or just overlook the greens in general so I think it's time to start reminding myself to work on that. My goals with this are to lose weight so I don't feel like I'm carrying excess around and to enjoy better health overall.
In researching ways to enjoy better health overall, I looked into something else that's a little more personal for me. Since going down this natural foods/natural healing path I've also had to look at some things in my life that don't involve food. Late last year I eliminated fluoride toothpaste and conventional deodorants from my life. My teeth appear to be just as healthy as before, and after some trial and error with deodorant I've finally settled on Tom's lavender. There are also some foods out there that help eliminate body odors such as parsely, cilantro, celery, and mint.
Head here for more information: http://www.naturalnews.com/004417.html .
In going down this path of discovery and looking critically at my choices, I've also had to stare the only pharmaceutical dependency I have in the face... that's right- my birth control pills. I have NEVER been one to advocate methods like "pulling out" or praying (haha), but as I learn more I have to ask myself if taking hormones is really necessary. Since I've been on the pill my body has reacted in weird ways. The first pill I took cause my periods to almost completely stop which led to constant pregnancy paranoia. The current pill seems to work better with my body, but in general since I've been on birth control I've noticed what seems to be an enlargement of my breasts (which some women would probably love), but they also feel tender and swollen much of the time which is typically what happens when one is pregnant. This makes perfect sense because the body on the birth control pill is fooled into thinking it's pregnant so it mimicks the signs of pregnancy. For the most part I've ignored this for the convenience of not having to worry about becoming pregnant, but I said to myself today: If there's a natural way that's just as effective as the pill I will consider using it.
Head here for more information: http://www.naturalnews.com/004417.html .
In going down this path of discovery and looking critically at my choices, I've also had to stare the only pharmaceutical dependency I have in the face... that's right- my birth control pills. I have NEVER been one to advocate methods like "pulling out" or praying (haha), but as I learn more I have to ask myself if taking hormones is really necessary. Since I've been on the pill my body has reacted in weird ways. The first pill I took cause my periods to almost completely stop which led to constant pregnancy paranoia. The current pill seems to work better with my body, but in general since I've been on birth control I've noticed what seems to be an enlargement of my breasts (which some women would probably love), but they also feel tender and swollen much of the time which is typically what happens when one is pregnant. This makes perfect sense because the body on the birth control pill is fooled into thinking it's pregnant so it mimicks the signs of pregnancy. For the most part I've ignored this for the convenience of not having to worry about becoming pregnant, but I said to myself today: If there's a natural way that's just as effective as the pill I will consider using it.
This is when I stumbled upon Cycle Beads. Cycle Beads (http://www.cyclebeads.com/) are a natural way of tracking your cycle and your fertility days. In using cycle beads, a woman with a cycle between 26 and 32 days (only!) can use a color coded method with a string of beads to track when she needs to use birth control methods and when she is free to have intercourse without the risk of becoming pregnant. Do I trust this method? ...Not...yet... but I went ahead and ordered the beads anyway so I can begin tracking my body while I use the pill. There are some downsides to the pill I've read about such as a decreased libido, weight gain, and other health issues, and if I can manage to use the cycle beads system without any issues in cycle length, I just might give it a try. The website claims that cycle beads are 95% effective whereas birth control pills are 99% effective. Like I said before, I'm not completely sure about this yet, but I will keep you posted.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Throwing things out to the universe.
So in the past year I've learned a hell of a lot. I started out on this blog trying to hold myself accountable for making improvements in my life, and I also did a bit of throwing out messages to the universe. One big one was to find out what I was going to do with my degree and my potential career. The answer came in the strangest form, but I am now teaching high school and in that I am teaching English and Journalism classes. I can't begin to express how much I enjoy what I do right now, and I would rather be doing this than writing full time or working as a reporter. It sounds entirely too crazy because I was so fixated on finding a career in journalism before, but I am content teaching.
Some other things I learned about are social justice, health and what's really in our foods, and the oppressive shadow government that rules the world. It's overwhelming sometimes for me to realize just how much I've woken up to in one year, but I could never go back to the place I was before. I'm re-opening this blog to myself and the world because I finally feel like I have something worth talking about. It's not just about the ego anymore. It's about sharing information that will help change the world. It's about holding myself accountable to the information I discover. It's about helping to wake up the world.
Right now I'm really focused on health foods and how they raise energy and fight diseases. I'm by no means in a great place with my health. I am still overweight and my skin isn't so great, but this year I intend to change those things. My reasons behind this are not just cosmetic. Sure, I would love to be slim and slender, and I would love to have radiant skin. I also would love to never have to worry about coming down with thyroid problems, gallbladder issues, or cancer. All of these problems and more can be eliminated by simply enjoying a more raw vegan diet. I am NOT going one hundred percent raw vegan. I will continue to eat eggs, I will continue to eat cooked pastas and soups etc. on a limited basis. I will probably never give up cheese, but I am going to work on cutting it down. Adding more fruits and vegetables to the diet is something anyone can do, and I intend to do it to gain better health and energy. I'm sure by the end of this year I will own a juicer and a food processor, but I am taking things one step at a time.
I'll be back again soon, and I will update more on my progression with uncovering the truth in general. For right now, I want to send two messages out to the universe:
Please let this year continue to be a journey of learning and spiritual evolution with any stressful corners of this life resolving themselves and coming to a close.
Please help me find the right balance of diet and activity to sustain an ideal weight and health.
Some other things I learned about are social justice, health and what's really in our foods, and the oppressive shadow government that rules the world. It's overwhelming sometimes for me to realize just how much I've woken up to in one year, but I could never go back to the place I was before. I'm re-opening this blog to myself and the world because I finally feel like I have something worth talking about. It's not just about the ego anymore. It's about sharing information that will help change the world. It's about holding myself accountable to the information I discover. It's about helping to wake up the world.
Right now I'm really focused on health foods and how they raise energy and fight diseases. I'm by no means in a great place with my health. I am still overweight and my skin isn't so great, but this year I intend to change those things. My reasons behind this are not just cosmetic. Sure, I would love to be slim and slender, and I would love to have radiant skin. I also would love to never have to worry about coming down with thyroid problems, gallbladder issues, or cancer. All of these problems and more can be eliminated by simply enjoying a more raw vegan diet. I am NOT going one hundred percent raw vegan. I will continue to eat eggs, I will continue to eat cooked pastas and soups etc. on a limited basis. I will probably never give up cheese, but I am going to work on cutting it down. Adding more fruits and vegetables to the diet is something anyone can do, and I intend to do it to gain better health and energy. I'm sure by the end of this year I will own a juicer and a food processor, but I am taking things one step at a time.
I'll be back again soon, and I will update more on my progression with uncovering the truth in general. For right now, I want to send two messages out to the universe:
Please let this year continue to be a journey of learning and spiritual evolution with any stressful corners of this life resolving themselves and coming to a close.
Please help me find the right balance of diet and activity to sustain an ideal weight and health.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Honesty
I remember when I wrote my first article for the local newspaper. I remember the feeling of joy and accomplishment I had when it made the front page. I remember the remarks from my family and the excitement in my parents as they watched their "rising star" child make her first real mark on the world. I fed off of that positive energy and I yearned for more, but somewhere in there I had this nagging feeling in my gut that finding the "news" just wasn't for me. So what kept me going? I knew writing was what I loved and I knew it was somehow in the cards for me so I figured there was no reason to change my mind about my major or stop when I knew I could produce quality stories that would make me feel accomplished and make those around me proud. I had started down a road I didn't know how to ignore so I didn't stop in hopes that I would eventually find a lane on that road that suited me.
I tried a couple of lanes. I sat in on a public relations meeting at my father's company and quickly decided I wasn't going to bull shit my way through the world for extra money. I spent a semester interning at a city magazine and learned virtually nothing except that it was socially acceptable to take two hour lunch breaks and participate in office snobbery on a regular basis.
Somewhere shortly thereafter I started hearing all of these really negative things about the future of print journalism and I sort of used that as an excuse for loosening my ties with the field. Now that I think about it though, I probably loosened my ties for my own personal reasons. There was something off there and I couldn't put my finger on it, but I'm coming closer to it than I've ever been before.
I graduated last May with my bachelor's in Mass Communications and while I'm glad that is over with, I'm also scared of facing what I'm going to do with it. I do not want to give up my relationship with the local newspaper, but I find myself uninspired to write. I find myself so afraid of continuing to write without knowing where it's going to take me and when I look at that more deeply I wonder what career path is truly in my heart. I wonder if it's the fear or if it's that I'm bull shitting myself about what I want to do.
I have been wrestling so much with myself lately in regard to all of this. I just want to piece the puzzle together and know which way to go, but I know that I have to TRULY face it all head on before I can piece it together. I feel unproductive in regard to my "career," but I feel as if I must take this time to allow myself to be competely honest with myself before I can see the right direction.
The answer is more than likely going to be very simple. It will have been there all along. It will come to me when I put my mind to rest and let energy flow through me. I realize now that dealing with the stress of finishing school amongst other endings/beginnings over the past few years has made it easy for me to ignore this aspect of my life and self, but now it is here staring me in the face and I have to deal with it. So be it universe. Let's deal with it. Let me be not afraid to open myself to all avenues and let me have the courage to believe in myself without faltering.
More on all of this later.
I tried a couple of lanes. I sat in on a public relations meeting at my father's company and quickly decided I wasn't going to bull shit my way through the world for extra money. I spent a semester interning at a city magazine and learned virtually nothing except that it was socially acceptable to take two hour lunch breaks and participate in office snobbery on a regular basis.
Somewhere shortly thereafter I started hearing all of these really negative things about the future of print journalism and I sort of used that as an excuse for loosening my ties with the field. Now that I think about it though, I probably loosened my ties for my own personal reasons. There was something off there and I couldn't put my finger on it, but I'm coming closer to it than I've ever been before.
I graduated last May with my bachelor's in Mass Communications and while I'm glad that is over with, I'm also scared of facing what I'm going to do with it. I do not want to give up my relationship with the local newspaper, but I find myself uninspired to write. I find myself so afraid of continuing to write without knowing where it's going to take me and when I look at that more deeply I wonder what career path is truly in my heart. I wonder if it's the fear or if it's that I'm bull shitting myself about what I want to do.
I have been wrestling so much with myself lately in regard to all of this. I just want to piece the puzzle together and know which way to go, but I know that I have to TRULY face it all head on before I can piece it together. I feel unproductive in regard to my "career," but I feel as if I must take this time to allow myself to be competely honest with myself before I can see the right direction.
The answer is more than likely going to be very simple. It will have been there all along. It will come to me when I put my mind to rest and let energy flow through me. I realize now that dealing with the stress of finishing school amongst other endings/beginnings over the past few years has made it easy for me to ignore this aspect of my life and self, but now it is here staring me in the face and I have to deal with it. So be it universe. Let's deal with it. Let me be not afraid to open myself to all avenues and let me have the courage to believe in myself without faltering.
More on all of this later.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Latest
As far as everything else goes, I slipped up a bit this week. This is probably prime time for people to start forgetting about their new year's resolutions, and it was also time for me to regress a little. The important part is that I recognized it and got back on track. This weekend I mapped out a workout routine for myself and this morning I put in an hour of aerobics and lifted some weights. This evening I managed to finish all of my classwork and tomorrow I will attempt to get more done.
I'm still as confused as ever about my career path. I guess the reality is that I'm scared I'm not good enough to be a full time journalist, and I'm also afraid I'm not going to like it if I do get that opportunity. The traditional venue (newspaper journalism) appeals to me but only for free-lance writing. I suppose specialized versions of it such as column writing appeal to me as well, but I know I'd still have to put up with the grit work of being a general assignment reporter first. Ironically I am still applying for GA jobs so I guess I'm trying to keep it as a possibility. I feel like getting to work on my body has been a lot easier than mapping my career path, but I'm not giving up on it. I'm going to give my mind some rest for the evening and try to get myself organized (career-wise) again tomorrow morning.
My commitment for tomorrow morning is to do something to forward my relationship with the newspapers I write for and to spend some time working out one way or another.
Bonne Nuit and Bonne Chance!
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